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Friday, January 29, 2016

New Year, same problems

So its now January 2106. We've been TTC for exactly 3 years this month. but somehow it seems longer then that. maybe its been 4 years. Either way, its been too long.

So I finally went through with the HSG test, and guess what...everything is normal. Of course. No answers for why we can't conceive a child even though everything looks perfect.

I've had it. I'm so fed up and I'm getting older and I feel as though I will never get to know what it feels like to be pregnant, be a mom, go through labor...Its overwhelming and frustrating.

I just don't get it. What the hell am I doing wrong.

Sunday, October 4, 2015


I'm tired of waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
I keep hoping like an idiot.

I guess some people just aren't meant to be happy.

I have no children. I will never get pregnant and I'll never be happy.
And at this rate I'll never have a dog either.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Its been a long time

People get depressed for many reasons. I'm not sure how my depression started but I know I've been this way for years. I know what adds to it is the fact I can't get pregnant. I'm turning 31 this month and we've been ttc since I was 27. Its been a long road and I see no end. Just despair. I hate that I'm still hoping and praying for a miracle. But truth is I don't deserve one.
Another thing adding to my depression is the fact my Grandfather passed away this year.

 I am still completely devastated.

If I wasn't married and living in Colorado I'm pretty sure I'd be at my grandmothers house every single day. I miss her terribly, but its nothing compared to how much I miss him. Cause I know I'll never see him again. The grief is just overwhelming.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

one more time around

I'm giving myself one more cycle. Then I'm calling it quits. 
No one warns you how hard trying to conceive is, especially your first.
I'm actually envious of people who have had miscarriages because at least they know they CAN get pregnant.
As of now I don't believe I can. 
Its been a year and a half for us, which is a really long time for me to try for something.
Many people might think I'm giving up too soon but I can't handle the emotional breakdowns every month. 
Month after Month. 
It is devastating for me. I cry often because I feel like I'll never know what its like to have my own child.

There was this instance that happened to me on Friday.. I'm at work in the checkout line and this woman is buying a few things with her two kids. The kids were maybe around 7 and 10? They kept bringing things to the counter, as kids do, and kept asking the mom if they could buy something. They were apparently stressing out the mom and she looks at me and says 
"You don't have kids yet. You don't have to deal with all this."

I was a little shocked actually. They were just being kids. My response had I not been working would've been this:
'I would do anything to have that "problem" of yours'

It really bothers me lately when people say things like that. Or when they say anybody want to take one of my kids? They must not realize how lucky they are.

One day I'll have kids. They just won't come from me.

This is me giving it one more chance. Then I'm calling it. 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

When can you declare yourself infertile?

I realized I haven't posted since I said I was going to the doctor. I did go to the obgyn to see what they could do for me. I really would just like to know if I can conceive or not. If I can't I'd like to move on from here and begin the grieving process. I've read that its an important stage to go through before you decide to begin the adoption process. ( which is my next step if we can't conceive )

This was a new place for me since I just moved to a different state. They did my initial exam that your supposed to get every year. Everything came back just fine. So next they told me that I have to come back in for blood work on the 3rd day of my cycle. I didn't last month because I was out of town, but I am pretty sure I'll do that this next time. I constantly fight with myself on whether or not I should go. I would like answers, but if they say something is wrong with my system then I doubt I would undergo the 'treatments' they suggest. I know I won't do IVF and I won't go on any medication. I believe if you can't get pregnant naturally then maybe you shouldn't have kids. I know a lot of people would disagree with that statement but that is my own opinion. On the other hand, it would be nice to get some answers and the knowledge as to why its been taking us so long to conceive. It has been a year and a half so far. I told Glenn I was giving up once we hit the two year mark. I'm not the type of person to try really hard for something for a long time without seeing results. I give up. Maybe I shouldn't, and maybe I should go through with the fertility treatments if that's what they recommend. But I won't do it.
Not when there are so many children out there who don't have parents that need them. My heart goes out to the kids in foster care. Maybe that is the reason why I can't have a child of my own. Maybe that is my purpose.
 I guess only time will tell.

I will definitely need a time to mourn if I can't have children. Its something I've been focused on for years now. To give that up would be the hardest decision.

I cried and pleaded with Glenn for a year and a half to even start trying to conceive. Now its another year and a half later and still no baby. I'm still not a mother.

I turn 30 this year and I joke that I'm going to have a midlife crisis. But if I still don't know what it feels like to be pregnant by then...  or feel the excitement of seeing a positive test result.....  by 30....

It'll just feel like everything else I've done so far.  Failing.