Function Disabled

Wednesday, July 26, 2017


Here we are again in the two week window. I was trying to be optimistic over the weekend but really, I am not.
I read today that washed sperm in the IUI only live for 6 to 12 hours. So if we didn't get the timing right of the IUI then we have no shot. I know this is why they tell you to have sex that night too, but some men can't perform twice in one day or even two days in a row... So I'm accepting already that I am out. Its 2dpiui.
My optimism lasted so long...
Now I am looking to my next step. Which I have no idea what that will be. Every time I think about not being able to have my own child it is just too depressing. Yes, I've always wanted to adopt but I wanted to adopt 1 and have 1 of my own. Its crushing, the feeling of not having your own child. My own flesh and blood. To have the traits that I share with my father being passed down to my child just wont happen.
And that is just too much to handle.

Which means that our best chance of having a biological child is to do IVF.
At least then my husband won't have to worry about performing. It would be a one time thing.
IVF is the scariest option for me. Going through it all for very vain reasons.
I wish this was just a dream and I could just wake up. I've dreamt so many times that I was pregnant, or had a child. In one I even had a daughter with a name and a specific birthday.

Its too much for me. I'm not this much of a fighter. Its the longest struggle I've ever had to deal with. 5 1/2 years of no children. People we know who just got married already have 1 or 2 children, and here we are. Childless and married 7 years. Its heartbreaking. I feel completely worthless, useless and I have no purpose in life.
Why am I here??
What am I supposed to do now?
I'm very close to giving up on everything.

Friday, July 21, 2017

2017 year of the IUI

So its been a while since I've posted an here is a quick version of everything this year:

I thought I might want to remember what it was like doing the IUI's

My first IUI was in February.  I have unexplained infertility. All my levels look great, tubes are great.. So we both got tested.. Glenn had super sperm they said. Great counts, motility etc wonderful.

So we go to a fertility specialist in parker, which my sister suggested. I can't remember exactly but I think I had 2 or 3 follicles that time. We were on Clomid and the ovidrel shot. Didn't work..
I also found out I was Vitamin D deficient. So I'm on supplements, along with prenatals.

So with our scheduling conflicts we didnt get to do IUI#2 until June. This time we also were on clomid and ovidrel shot.. We ended up with 5 follicles over 15mm the biggest was 20mm. I had really high hopes for that one. My RE even said we had a good chance for multiples. But alas, negative.

So here we are IUI #3. I'm on CD14 right now and we had our second follicle scan today. I was there 2 days ago and had one follicle at 19 on the right side. The other 2 on the left side were 11 and 13.
So they waited 2 days to see if they would grow any more.

I go in today and the one on the right is huge! now its 26 and the other two are 11 and 10. Did they shrink?? How does that happen? I'm super confused.
The one good thing is the lining looks amazing. I read that it should be over 8 and I'm at 12.
So I'm trying to not be pessimistic. I have to trigger shot on Saturday night and then we go in Monday for the IUI. I'm nervous with only one follicle, and that its so big already.
I get to worry now its going to ovulate before we do the trigger. I also get to worry that its too big. Hopefully not, the RE didn't seem to think so.
Its so easy to get depressed and mad in this process.  I'm really trying to be positive and hopeful. I was so sure it was going to happen last time. Kept telling myself I had 5 chances to get pregnant. But we'll see how this goes.

Friday, January 29, 2016

New Year, same problems

So its now January 2106. We've been TTC for exactly 3 years this month. but somehow it seems longer then that. maybe its been 4 years. Either way, its been too long.

So I finally went through with the HSG test, and guess what...everything is normal. Of course. No answers for why we can't conceive a child even though everything looks perfect.

I've had it. I'm so fed up and I'm getting older and I feel as though I will never get to know what it feels like to be pregnant, be a mom, go through labor...Its overwhelming and frustrating.

I just don't get it. What the hell am I doing wrong.

Sunday, October 4, 2015


I'm tired of waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
I keep hoping like an idiot.

I guess some people just aren't meant to be happy.

I have no children. I will never get pregnant and I'll never be happy.
And at this rate I'll never have a dog either.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Its been a long time

People get depressed for many reasons. I'm not sure how my depression started but I know I've been this way for years. I know what adds to it is the fact I can't get pregnant. I'm turning 31 this month and we've been ttc since I was 27. Its been a long road and I see no end. Just despair. I hate that I'm still hoping and praying for a miracle. But truth is I don't deserve one.
Another thing adding to my depression is the fact my Grandfather passed away this year.

 I am still completely devastated.

If I wasn't married and living in Colorado I'm pretty sure I'd be at my grandmothers house every single day. I miss her terribly, but its nothing compared to how much I miss him. Cause I know I'll never see him again. The grief is just overwhelming.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

one more time around

I'm giving myself one more cycle. Then I'm calling it quits. 
No one warns you how hard trying to conceive is, especially your first.
I'm actually envious of people who have had miscarriages because at least they know they CAN get pregnant.
As of now I don't believe I can. 
Its been a year and a half for us, which is a really long time for me to try for something.
Many people might think I'm giving up too soon but I can't handle the emotional breakdowns every month. 
Month after Month. 
It is devastating for me. I cry often because I feel like I'll never know what its like to have my own child.

There was this instance that happened to me on Friday.. I'm at work in the checkout line and this woman is buying a few things with her two kids. The kids were maybe around 7 and 10? They kept bringing things to the counter, as kids do, and kept asking the mom if they could buy something. They were apparently stressing out the mom and she looks at me and says 
"You don't have kids yet. You don't have to deal with all this."

I was a little shocked actually. They were just being kids. My response had I not been working would've been this:
'I would do anything to have that "problem" of yours'

It really bothers me lately when people say things like that. Or when they say anybody want to take one of my kids? They must not realize how lucky they are.

One day I'll have kids. They just won't come from me.

This is me giving it one more chance. Then I'm calling it.