I realized I haven't posted since I said I was going to the doctor. I did go to the obgyn to see what they could do for me. I really would just like to know if I can conceive or not. If I can't I'd like to move on from here and begin the grieving process. I've read that its an important stage to go through before you decide to begin the adoption process. ( which is my next step if we can't conceive )
This was a new place for me since I just moved to a different state. They did my initial exam that your supposed to get every year. Everything came back just fine. So next they told me that I have to come back in for blood work on the 3rd day of my cycle. I didn't last month because I was out of town, but I am pretty sure I'll do that this next time. I constantly fight with myself on whether or not I should go. I would like answers, but if they say something is wrong with my system then I doubt I would undergo the 'treatments' they suggest. I know I won't do IVF and I won't go on any medication. I believe if you can't get pregnant naturally then maybe you shouldn't have kids. I know a lot of people would disagree with that statement but that is my own opinion. On the other hand, it would be nice to get some answers and the knowledge as to why its been taking us so long to conceive. It has been a year and a half so far. I told Glenn I was giving up once we hit the two year mark. I'm not the type of person to try really hard for something for a long time without seeing results. I give up. Maybe I shouldn't, and maybe I should go through with the fertility treatments if that's what they recommend. But I won't do it.
Not when there are so many children out there who don't have parents that need them. My heart goes out to the kids in foster care. Maybe that is the reason why I can't have a child of my own. Maybe that is my purpose.
I guess only time will tell.
I will definitely need a time to mourn if I can't have children. Its something I've been focused on for years now. To give that up would be the hardest decision.
I cried and pleaded with Glenn for a year and a half to even start trying to conceive. Now its another year and a half later and still no baby. I'm still not a mother.
I turn 30 this year and I joke that I'm going to have a midlife crisis. But if I still don't know what it feels like to be pregnant by then... or feel the excitement of seeing a positive test result..... by 30....
It'll just feel like everything else I've done so far. Failing.